HOW to love yourself and WHY it really matters<3

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We all have our ways that invites the energy of love, like a focused vortex, into our lives.  But how many of us become more focused on the external(more masculinely influenced) manifestations of love and forget that there is a whole other way to cultivate love, from a more femininely rooted space.

Now that we have entered the year 2017, it seems like the resurgence of some power suppressed and repressed long ago.  That of the sacred feminine.  I speak of my own experience of this year, being a return to the body, a return to the heart, a return to the breath.  A return to softness, gentleness, sensuality and vulnerability.  And this has tripped up a lot of us, myself included.  And this process of getting back in touch has been less than pretty or ideal or comfortable. I began this year with a bunch of crystallized ideas about what it meant to love myself.  And in themselves, the acts were all neutral.  What directed the energy was my subconscious intention behind my actions.  To feel good, to get away from the bad, to get away from the shadows, to be shining, to be beautiful, perfect etc.  All very patriarchally  fuelled intentions.  So although I was DOING all of these very beautiful things; like yoga, writing, meditation, pranayama, and yes..eating a restricted vegan diet(fuelled by an eating disorder), the energy behind it was that of fear,  anxiety, insecurity, self hate and an absolute inability to accept myself and my life as it was.  I was trying to use all these lovely “loving” things to deny my truth, to deny my darkness, and ultimately to deny my wholeness as an authentic human being.

So its tricky business right?  This self love thing.  Especially in the culture we are in.  How can we make sure that our practices in self love are rooted in sincerity, compassion, vulnerability, and full and complete acceptance.  So we can feed love to the most humble, broken, shattered pieces of ourselves without over looking them, trying to shove them down and deny our pain existence?

I went from being completely resistent to change, to love, to emotion, to rest~to being almost completely surrendered to love with no distraction.

SELF LOVE IS:

1.Allowing yourself to fall apart:: I held on to my pain for so so many years.  So afraid to fully face myself, to feel, to breath, to just be.  I kept myself so so busy that I didn’t even have time to be with myself.  Through these past couple of months I have slowly dropped into myself.  It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  It felt like dying.  Because in a sense I was.  You are allowing this deep suppressed pain from within a chance to fully express itself and integrate into your being.  How did I do this?  Put down the phone, shut off the TV, stop clinging to the things that hold your ego structure together.  For me my eating disorder was the biggest thing holding me from love.  This conditional love I have placed on myself needing to look and be and eat a certain way all had to crumble in order for me to open up.  But everyone has their own “thing.”  For most of us its an addiction or codependency of some kind.  And whatever is popping into your head right now, is what your thing is 😉  You have to be willing to get very uncomfortable.  But trust me….it is worth it…ten fold.  You know you’ve got this aspect nailed when you can sit alone, undistracted with yourself and be ok with all the aspects of yourself that arise.  And another thing.  While in the process of surrender it is not enough to just let your emotions explode all over your life and everyone around you, because if your not used to feeling, this will happen.  You have to honour all of these aspects and versions of yourself and handle them with respect.  Not clinging to them as your new identity, but being the loving space each emotion and experience can arise.  Stop clinging to the pleasure, to the pain, to the tendency to shut down or run away.  Stop neglecting yourself and be the one who will give yourself everything you have ever wanted or needed.  Because none of this is your fault, but it is your responsibility to walk yourself through this life..hopefully as loving as possible 🙂

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2.Being your own best friend, mentor, lover, parent, and allowing your innocence to feel safe with you::  We all have that precious inner child that we end up unconsciously treating the way others treated us when we actually were those little children.  It, quite honestly, is unavoidable.  But what has to happen once we grow to a certain level of maturity is we need to reclaim our power and honour the one inside who hurts, the one who never got the love they needed, the one who just wants to be held and seen and heard.  I have fallen into many traps where I expected my friends and family to give me the things I needed.  And this is where there is some grey area.  Because, yes, we are all here to support each other and to love each other.  But when it becomes a codependency, a need for someone else to fill those spaces in you, that’s when it becomes unhealthy and unhelpful.  I had to distance myself from the people who loved me and who I loved because I needed to really get clear on what I needed and how I could give that to myself without projecting it onto other people.  I learned this through my emotions and through my heart.  Once you have surrendered yourself to love by making choices that allow all of you to come up and be felt, only then will you really gain insight to what your innocence is crying for.  For me, one thing is compliments and emotional support.  It is validating myself, my beauty, my worth, without expecting or asking or waiting for it from other people.  Because I gave my power away and I wasting a lot of time living a sad, disempowered life because I couldn’t see myself or my pain or my needs clearly.  Isolation isn’t always necessary.  I found, for me, the universe kind of set my life up in the perfect way for me to surrender and find my power.  So trust that when you begin to open to surrender and love, the universe will guide you on your unique path of awakening.

3.Relax::  It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But what has relaxation really morphed into, in our culture?  Its turned into netflix, into hours on social media.  Its turned to weed and whiskey.  The “I just need to relax” line.  And the thing is, the very emotional reason you reach for these distractions just ends up holding the emotion that your body wants to feel, clear and integrate, in your body to be felt until you are sober and undistracted.  Until you can look it dead in the eye.  So as you can imagine, this can build up quite the layers of emotional density.  And the more we run away from ourselves, the harder it is to come back.  So go back now.  Relaxation, actually means, to breath, to sit, to lay and be silent and allow your nervous system to unwind, unstimulated.   We are so overstimulated in out world, especially for us extra sensi’s, so this time of silence and reflection is absolutely necessary to come back into our bodies and into our hearts.

4. Finding a way to express your voice::  Spirituality and creativity are two sides of the same coin.  To be a balanced human, nurturing both aspects are necessary.  We don’t want to be so lost in oneness that we lose sight that we are all unique expressions of divinity with our own creative gifts to give back to humanity and source.  And we don’t want to be so jaded by our own personal experience  and pain that we shut off and shut down to the connection or our hearts with all the hearts on existence.  So write, dance, sing, build.  Find that thing that makes time go insanely fast and nurture it.

****This all matters because how much longer do we want to go through our lives disempowered, codependent, with eyes half opened??  How much longer do we want to neglect ourselves and the expansion of our dreams??  Do you yearn for empowered and grounded connection with others?? It begins with cultivating that relationship with yourself.  Because this process is just the beginning or a grand adventure into the reality of humanity.  Becoming the divine human.  Full of love, power, and beauty.  And trust that once you begin to focus your energy in this direction that your soul has its own timing and knows exactly what it is doing and when you are meant to awaken.  So trust the unfolding.  But never stop the love!!

There you go beautiful friends.  What it means to truly love yourself and why it matters.  Wishing you all beautiful, vibrant, relaxing, and heart centred lives.

MEGA~LUV KIDS!!!

 

 

 

 

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why so hard~ Recovery and other hard shit through a spiritual lens

We come into this world shining perfect beams of light.  We smile when we are happy, we sleep when we are tired.  We cry when we are confused or lost or feeling are something we’ve never felt before.  We get angry when we feel anger.  We EAT when we are HUNGRY. And we stop when we are full.  We just do this all so automatically.  Its brilliant, really.  We don’t even have to put in extra effort to get rid of all the excess left over stuff.  We just poop it out! And if we can’t poop.  We cry.  We get belly rubs.  Then we poop.  WE KNOW WHAT TO DO.

So why do we start to interfere?  We go on crazy diets, we use laxatives, enemas and diuretics.  We restrict foods and make weird rules around foods and we create these weird routines with food.  We vomit, we overexercise, we skip meals, insisting we had “a large lunch.”  We count every calorie, including that pack of gum you ate in a day because it has fewer calories that cereal.  We begin to tell our bodies that what it is naturally doing is wrong and we start to play God.   We take sleeping pills to sleep.  We drink to feel good.  We toke to chill.  We fuck to feel pretty.  We drink coffee to “wake up”…but didn’t you just do that an hr ago?  Like, in real life?  We assimilate to societal structures so we do not get left behind.  It makes sense.  Plus, the world begins to get a lot rougher and faster as the years progress.  It’s all innocent enough.  We just don’t want to get left behind.  And this must be the right thing if everyone else is doing it.

In a world where you must fit in but also stand out.  No wonder we begin to ignore the silent, patient wisdom of our bodies.  We get so pulled out of ourselves by stimulation, expectation, and the general unconsciousness of our planet. We begin to, energetically, learn how hurt our people and our planet is, by becoming the same.  Our patriarchy molds us energetically. We really don’t have a choice.  Even the strong or the gifted have something they’ve picked up from life that they struggle to deal with.  While were young, anyways.

And then we grow and we hurt and we somehow cope.  But then we get stuck and we begin to question.  Is this really it?  Why are things the way they are?  Do I have any choice?  Why do I feel these things?  Am I just completely defective/ crazy/ stupid.  It’s especially the extra sensitive beings that feel this extra and often have more intense healing crisis’ than others.

We all inherent a chunk of the unconscious to energetically inherit and live out.  What I mean by this is that not so beautiful gift we are given through our family, our genetics, our lineage, our upbringing, our environment, that makes us feel cursed and defective and tortured.  I inherited eating disorders.  I was gifted it energetically, genetically, socially, and so on.  Others get addiction or codependency or insert any health issue.  We all deal with something.  And often times it takes us to hell.  Our own ~personalized~ hell.  But no one gets out of this.  We all have something.  It’s so easy to forget this, especially if our lives are particularly isolated for the moment.  But know this, you are not alone.  You are going through everything for a reason.  You are learning how to first be there for yourself through your own hell so you can liberate first yourself and then help others to liberate themselves! Such a cool thing!  We are not disempowered.  We are always learning.  We are always choosing.

You can do this! You can beat whatever it is!  By loving whatever it is!  journal, talk to a friend, have a bath, breeeath.  Sooth yourself and be there for yourself.  Create healthy boundaries and do what makes your heart feel sweet.  We suffer in life, sure.  But it is not our destiny.  Our destiny is to be the ones to pull ourselves out of the suffering.  You are strong enough.  You are beautiful enough.  You are smart enough.  You. Are. Enough.

I love u.  Please, love u.

xoxoWillow

 

I AM BLESSED with bulimia

I was 10 the first time my mother showed me, in the mirror, the requirement for beauty being in the gap between my thighs.  Around the same time I began getting bullied in school. I was 11 years old when I was only allowed to eat salads and expected to exercise any extra time I got.  I was 12 when I began to eat in secret from cupboards when my mother had her back turned.  I was 13 I first purged.  And I was 14 when I first took my first sip of booze.  Scary shit?

Oh Im not special in this.  I am the majority of girls(and growing amounts of boys) who deal with an eating disorder of some kind.  Nevertheless the other things we dabble in to cope with mental illness and just straight up shitty human pains.  I was just blessed to be one that has a particularly severe case.

Bulimia has take up way more space than I would like to admit.  Way. Too. Much.  Always thinking I was trying to heal but I was just allowing the eating disorder voice to take me over and tell me what to do and where to go and never to speak.  Because of this I have gone to a pretty weird place.  Where my creativity, my relationships, my dreams, my mind and body and sweet heart have gone severely neglected.

Mental illnesses are rampant in our society.  And they feed off of isolation, insecurity, abuse and silence.  Along with bulimia for me came anxiety and depression.  For many years I have been in denial and thought I had things under control.  And that is the scariest part.  Because looking back those times were when I was most sick.  I hid away in self improvement practices until I deemed myself “ready” to live my dreams…or just live. I hid in spiritual modalities and veganism and yoga to become that person who could be loved.  So fucked up.  But so real.

These days it feels like Im waking out of a terrible dream.  Where I look behind me and ask how bulimia has managed to steal 10+ years of my life.  And been so darn sneaky about it!  I am in these days, opening my eyes more and more and getting the help I need to be my own best damn friend and lover and supporter and nurturer.  And man, recovery is hard.  Its uncomfortable  and icky and hard and …embarrassing.  Oh the embarrassment.  “Sorry I stopped talking to you…I just uh, only had time to focus on how I looked.” But you know what?  It recovery is liberating and full of peace and love and an opening heart.  Learning that I am worthy of nourishment.  I am worthy of spaciousness.  I am worthy of peace.  I am worthy of recognizing my own beauty.  I am worthy of my creativity.

I am blessed with a teacher.  Called bulimia.  She taught me all the ways I don’t deserve to be treated.  All the ways I never wish any human to live.  It has taught me what I want to embody, and shine and speak and be for the world to heal more deeply than ever before.

Thank you bulimia. Thank you for treating me like shit.  Thank you for taking my life away from me, so I could realize what life means to me.  Thank you or taking away my voice, to teach me the words I wish to reclaim as mine.  Thank you for your shaming and discouragement, teaching me how to uplift and cradle my sad parts.  May all be loved within and throughout ourselves.  May we reclaim our power, follow our passions and express our joy.  Regardless of our size, background, gender, race, or age.  I believe we got through shit to pull ourselves out of it so we can know how to help others pull themselves out of it.  Silver lining and shit.

Bless all that is dark in your life, thank it, and watch your relationship with it transform.

You are beautiful.  You are worthy of your shine, reclaim it baby.

xo

 

Soothing of an open heart

Emerging from a silky caccoon

I enter the world of connection too soon

heart space open, too open to know

how to speak things eloquently

 

hope you’ll forgive me

for this tender emptied me

wading

awaiting the flood of the sea

moments, wash over me

the pure gaze, still tethered to underworlds

seeing layers

flickered swirls

exhaling, death is nearing

inhale….silent, clearing

waiting.

 

Feels that heals

Words to heal feelings
Yet the words hold no meaning

I keep dreaming
I keep on believing
But the mind can be deceiving

Meditation is for the receiving
Grace, the true spark of healing

Where is my place
Right in this space
Though, I feel like a fricken nut case

While the past, I try to unlace
And to stand and face
No more racing away
But I’ll save hope for another day

Today the waves of emotion
Have carried me away

Say goodbye to my face
All familiarity is being erased

Yearning

I have been writing super heavy stuff
This is because I am searching for the beauty within the pain
The pain I feel so deeply it drives me insane
But there are beautiful moments I don’t seem to capture
Because they are what I want

A constant yearning for happiness
And what I get is this-ness

Many things have shifted and I feel more connected
Every one has some one.

Where is my one

Dearest Mah

I believe In the hoping part of me
The me who is just beginning to see
I’m so done running from me
Sick of this internal animosity

Hard to distinguish each part of me
To my loves, I’m deeply sorry

Heavy sorrow, I hold on to, I can’t let go
It’s all I have ever known
This is what my mama was shown
Mama, this is how we have grown.

But now we’re both gaining years
And we’re still carrying around toxic tears
It’s driven us insane
These years and years of accumulated pain.

Can we look inside and see that it’s not true?
Can we look each-other in they eyes,
Can we see the beauty shining through?

But the walls around your heart
They continue to grow
I’m afraid your true self
You will never have known.

It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do
To heal me so we could heal you too.

To help release you from your inner demons
So you could see that no one else sees them.

But, today, I’m afraid I’m too far gone
My soul can’t find the words to sing its song
My voice is short, hallow, and meek.
Devoid of enlightenment, devoid of heat.

Passion deadened by shame
Sadness, this heavy rain.

Mama, will things always remain the same?