We all have our ways that invites the energy of love, like a focused vortex, into our lives. But how many of us become more focused on the external(more masculinely influenced) manifestations of love and forget that there is a whole other way to cultivate love, from a more femininely rooted space.
Now that we have entered the year 2017, it seems like the resurgence of some power suppressed and repressed long ago. That of the sacred feminine. I speak of my own experience of this year, being a return to the body, a return to the heart, a return to the breath. A return to softness, gentleness, sensuality and vulnerability. And this has tripped up a lot of us, myself included. And this process of getting back in touch has been less than pretty or ideal or comfortable. I began this year with a bunch of crystallized ideas about what it meant to love myself. And in themselves, the acts were all neutral. What directed the energy was my subconscious intention behind my actions. To feel good, to get away from the bad, to get away from the shadows, to be shining, to be beautiful, perfect etc. All very patriarchally fuelled intentions. So although I was DOING all of these very beautiful things; like yoga, writing, meditation, pranayama, and yes..eating a restricted vegan diet(fuelled by an eating disorder), the energy behind it was that of fear, anxiety, insecurity, self hate and an absolute inability to accept myself and my life as it was. I was trying to use all these lovely “loving” things to deny my truth, to deny my darkness, and ultimately to deny my wholeness as an authentic human being.
So its tricky business right? This self love thing. Especially in the culture we are in. How can we make sure that our practices in self love are rooted in sincerity, compassion, vulnerability, and full and complete acceptance. So we can feed love to the most humble, broken, shattered pieces of ourselves without over looking them, trying to shove them down and deny our pain existence?
I went from being completely resistent to change, to love, to emotion, to rest~to being almost completely surrendered to love with no distraction.
SELF LOVE IS:
1.Allowing yourself to fall apart:: I held on to my pain for so so many years. So afraid to fully face myself, to feel, to breath, to just be. I kept myself so so busy that I didn’t even have time to be with myself. Through these past couple of months I have slowly dropped into myself. It was honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. It felt like dying. Because in a sense I was. You are allowing this deep suppressed pain from within a chance to fully express itself and integrate into your being. How did I do this? Put down the phone, shut off the TV, stop clinging to the things that hold your ego structure together. For me my eating disorder was the biggest thing holding me from love. This conditional love I have placed on myself needing to look and be and eat a certain way all had to crumble in order for me to open up. But everyone has their own “thing.” For most of us its an addiction or codependency of some kind. And whatever is popping into your head right now, is what your thing is 😉 You have to be willing to get very uncomfortable. But trust me….it is worth it…ten fold. You know you’ve got this aspect nailed when you can sit alone, undistracted with yourself and be ok with all the aspects of yourself that arise. And another thing. While in the process of surrender it is not enough to just let your emotions explode all over your life and everyone around you, because if your not used to feeling, this will happen. You have to honour all of these aspects and versions of yourself and handle them with respect. Not clinging to them as your new identity, but being the loving space each emotion and experience can arise. Stop clinging to the pleasure, to the pain, to the tendency to shut down or run away. Stop neglecting yourself and be the one who will give yourself everything you have ever wanted or needed. Because none of this is your fault, but it is your responsibility to walk yourself through this life..hopefully as loving as possible 🙂
2.Being your own best friend, mentor, lover, parent, and allowing your innocence to feel safe with you:: We all have that precious inner child that we end up unconsciously treating the way others treated us when we actually were those little children. It, quite honestly, is unavoidable. But what has to happen once we grow to a certain level of maturity is we need to reclaim our power and honour the one inside who hurts, the one who never got the love they needed, the one who just wants to be held and seen and heard. I have fallen into many traps where I expected my friends and family to give me the things I needed. And this is where there is some grey area. Because, yes, we are all here to support each other and to love each other. But when it becomes a codependency, a need for someone else to fill those spaces in you, that’s when it becomes unhealthy and unhelpful. I had to distance myself from the people who loved me and who I loved because I needed to really get clear on what I needed and how I could give that to myself without projecting it onto other people. I learned this through my emotions and through my heart. Once you have surrendered yourself to love by making choices that allow all of you to come up and be felt, only then will you really gain insight to what your innocence is crying for. For me, one thing is compliments and emotional support. It is validating myself, my beauty, my worth, without expecting or asking or waiting for it from other people. Because I gave my power away and I wasting a lot of time living a sad, disempowered life because I couldn’t see myself or my pain or my needs clearly. Isolation isn’t always necessary. I found, for me, the universe kind of set my life up in the perfect way for me to surrender and find my power. So trust that when you begin to open to surrender and love, the universe will guide you on your unique path of awakening.
3.Relax:: It sounds so simple, doesn’t it? But what has relaxation really morphed into, in our culture? Its turned into netflix, into hours on social media. Its turned to weed and whiskey. The “I just need to relax” line. And the thing is, the very emotional reason you reach for these distractions just ends up holding the emotion that your body wants to feel, clear and integrate, in your body to be felt until you are sober and undistracted. Until you can look it dead in the eye. So as you can imagine, this can build up quite the layers of emotional density. And the more we run away from ourselves, the harder it is to come back. So go back now. Relaxation, actually means, to breath, to sit, to lay and be silent and allow your nervous system to unwind, unstimulated. We are so overstimulated in out world, especially for us extra sensi’s, so this time of silence and reflection is absolutely necessary to come back into our bodies and into our hearts.
4. Finding a way to express your voice:: Spirituality and creativity are two sides of the same coin. To be a balanced human, nurturing both aspects are necessary. We don’t want to be so lost in oneness that we lose sight that we are all unique expressions of divinity with our own creative gifts to give back to humanity and source. And we don’t want to be so jaded by our own personal experience and pain that we shut off and shut down to the connection or our hearts with all the hearts on existence. So write, dance, sing, build. Find that thing that makes time go insanely fast and nurture it.
****This all matters because how much longer do we want to go through our lives disempowered, codependent, with eyes half opened?? How much longer do we want to neglect ourselves and the expansion of our dreams?? Do you yearn for empowered and grounded connection with others?? It begins with cultivating that relationship with yourself. Because this process is just the beginning or a grand adventure into the reality of humanity. Becoming the divine human. Full of love, power, and beauty. And trust that once you begin to focus your energy in this direction that your soul has its own timing and knows exactly what it is doing and when you are meant to awaken. So trust the unfolding. But never stop the love!!
There you go beautiful friends. What it means to truly love yourself and why it matters. Wishing you all beautiful, vibrant, relaxing, and heart centred lives.